Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Obama Becomes a Satmar Chasid - Accuses Zionists of Violating the "Three Oaths"

This just in. We have received word that President Obama and wife Michele have converted to Judaism and become members of the ultra-orthodox Satmar chasidic sect. Unnamed sources reveal the following details:

President Baruch Hashem Obama and First Lady Sheinah Meidel Obama were married in a secret ceremony in Williamsburg, New York.

President Obama and his wife were secretly married by Satmar Grand Rebbe Zalman Leib Teitelbaum in Williamsburg after converting to Judaism under the Rebbe's supervision. When asked about his new name the President said,

I used to be Barry, then Barack, but now I am Baruch, Baruch Hashem Obama. I want to be a blessing and light to the entire world, as the Jews have always been, and of course, as a politician, I want my name on people's lips as much as possible. What better way than by becoming "Baruch Hashem" Obama? Look, I know they're not saying my name with kavanah (intent) when they bless G-d this way, so I have to settle for b'dee'eved. And yes, I will be working on my problems of gaiyvah (arrogance and haughtiness of spirit) with my mashpiah (spiritual advisor).

The President said his wife, Michele, will be changing her name to Sheinah, Sheinah Meidel Obama.

Commenting, First Lady Sheinah Obama had this to say,

I am a beautiful, proud, black Jew. But I will no longer be able to put my buff body and ripped upper arms on display.  'The King's daughter is all glorious within' (Psalms 45:13), so I will be dressing according to the standards of modesty of my people. But I still want everyone to remember, that underneath it all, I am still a 'Sheinah Meidel' (a beautiful girl).

President Baruch Obama saved his sternest words for his maimar  (chassidic discourse) at his first Sheva Bracha in Kiryat Joel, New York. Already showing the deep learning that so impressed Grand Rebbe Teitelbaum, he intoned with a talmudic sing-song in Yiddish (here translated),

The first Grand Rebbe Yoel Teitelbaum, may his sainted memory be for a blessing, taught that we must not violate the three oaths mentioned in the Gemorah in Kethuvos 111A, which cites a passage from the 'Song of Songs' saying that the Jews must wait for our holy 'Maschiach' before the redemption and return to 'Eretz Yisrael' can come. And what have the Zionists done but stormed the Fortress of Heaven with their unclean hands to redeem our Holy Land before its time. King Solomon in Song of Songs thrice adjured the 'daughters of Jerusalem' not to arouse or bestir the love until it is ready. The Talmud explains that we are bound by three strong oaths not to ascend to the Holy Land as a group using force, not to rebel against the governments of countries in which we live, and not by our sins to prolong the coming of 'Moshiach'. And the Zionists among us have caused themselves as well as 'K'lal Yisroel' to sin by violating all three oaths. And with this all the woes of the Jews have come upon them including the death of the six million martyrs in World War II. And now these same Zionists are bringing disaster upon themselves and the United States, causing the death of our soldiers and bringing the enmity of the world upon themselves and the United Sates, by continuing to hold Jerusalem and the Land of Israel before the coming of 'Mashicah Tzidkenu'...

Whew, strong stuff there. There may be considerations in the President's unprecedented turn against Israel that have not entered into the analysis of the political pundits and cognoscenti yet.

Rahm Emanuel served as one of the witnesses to the wedding and was in close attendance on the President throughout the day. Obama was over heard to say to Emanuel, "Listen, tell those Lubavitch emissaries that they are always welcome in the White House, but there will be no Lubavitch shechita served as long as I am president, I don't care what the First Amendment says."

After wishes of peru u'revu ("be fruitful and multiply") on the newlyweds, the First Lady responded, "tu, tu tu...from your lips to G-d's ears." President Baurch Hashem Obama just blushed.

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