Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Thoughts on the Occasion of Turning 13 - a Guest Post by Spot the Dog

Today I turn 13 and become a Bark Mitzvah. I wish I could say the famously trite line, "Today I am a man." But, alas, today I am but yet a dog. It is true that I am the reincarnated soul of a Misnagid (I won't say whom, but you would know the name well), forced to return to an earthly existence to repent for my sins against the Chasidim. I sit below the Shabbos table and relish the challah and gefilte fish I am fed which elevate my soul and help atone for the sins of my past life. And I am even included in the brachos that master gives the members of the family on Friday night. He holds his hand above me and intones:

May Hashem make you like the dogs of Egypt,
Who barked not at the Jews,
In their flight from Egypt by night;
And to no Jew may you ever give a fright.

But still and all, I remain trapped in the body of a dog. It is a terrible thing to be on the wrong side of history.

I remember well the day I was brought to my new home in Palo Alto from my place of birth in San Jose. In the car I met my new family and my young step-sister, Chavie. She had always wanted a dog. "Wanna dog. Gonna call him Spot," she would say. She wanted a Dalmatian, all of the children do after seeing "101 Dalmations", but there was no way that was going to happen. Dalmations are too dumb to even come in from the rain (it's true), and they shed on everything. Ush, such goyishe cups.

My first afternoon at home in Palo Alto with step-sister Chavie. I love Israel, but I will always remain a California dog at heart.

They decided to finally get me after a prowler broke into the house one Friday night on Memorial Day weekend. My master beat the tall, thin prowler with a chair as he ran for the door that had been locked behind him, and he had to dive through the glass to escape. Such a commotion. Police everywhere. Now Chavie was going to call me Spot. "I always told you I wanted a dog and his name would be Spot." Why "Spot" people ask after seeing my all blond self. "Whatever he's on, that's the Spot!" became the answer.

As I got older I stared to put on a little weight. All the vets lectured master about my weight, and tried to get me to go on a diet. But, look, I've lived thirteen years, keinehura, already, so a little weight obviously isn't going to start hurting me now. Everyone's a Vet!

My Vet, Dr. Groskin, in Englewood, NJ. A good man, but w-a-y too fixated on weight.

Now I have made Aliyah and live in the desert in Israel. My bones will be laid to rest one day with the bones of my ancestors. It comforts me to know that. But they still won't allow me to go to the Western Wall to celebrate my Bark Mitzvah. I thought about forming a new group, "Dogs of the Wall", to protest. But you know what, the Jews have enough tsoris already. Let sleeping dogs lie.

Instead, my Bark Mitzvah project will be to visit every fire hydrant in so-called "East Jerusalem" and claim it as my own by marking there. What is this nonsense about dividing the eternal, unified capital of  Israel? Does the world not know that the Arabs used the Jewish grave stones from the Mount of Olives to line their latrines when they controlled that part of the city!? Not even a dog would do that!

Tombstones from the Mt. of Olives line a Jordanian army barracks latrine

After 13 years on this Earth, I still do not understand it. But that's just my opinion, and you are welcome to it.

My point of view, and welcome to it.


  1. Very nice! Do dogs get the benefit of a blessing when one is bestowed upon them? How does it effect their spiritual selves? Mazel tov on this auspicious occasion!

  2. I like to think that Spot and the Misnagid's soul trapped inside his body do get a benefit from the blessing. At least he doesn't bark much at Jews!

  3. Mazeltov,, what a great speech,, i was laughing for a long time...


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